Pour cold apple juice on the carpet in several places and walk around barefoot in the dark. Wear a sock to work that has had the toes shredded by a blender. Immediately upon waking, stand outside in the rain in the dark saying, "Be a good puppy, go potty now, hurry up - come on, let's go!" Cover all your best clothes with dog hair. Dark clothes must use white hair; light clothes must use dark. Float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the morning. Also put some hair in everything that you cook!!! And in the pots and pans in your cupboards!! Run out in the snow/rain in your bare feet to close the gate. Tip over a basket of clean laundry, scatter clothing all over the floor. Leave your underwear on the living room floor because that's where the puppy will drag it anyway.....especially when company is coming. Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favorite TV program and run to the door shouting "No, No! Do THAT OUTSIDE!" Miss the end of the program :)) Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the morning; don't try to clean it up until you get home from work in the evening. Gouge the leg of the dining room table several times with a screwdriver. ...it's going to get chewed on anyway. Have a backhoe come in and dig random giant holes in your yard. Then go out in the early am and step in a few. Try not to break anything. Take a warm and cuddly blanket out of the dryer and immediately wrap it around yourself. This is the feeling you will get when your puppy falls asleep on your lap.
Author Unknown
Sign on fence: "Trespasser today. German Shepherd shit tomorrow!"
Why own a show dog ?
There's a danger you know. You can't own just one, For the craving will grow.
There's no doubt they're addictive Wherein lies the danger While living with lots You'll grow poorer and stranger.
One dog is no trouble, And two are so funny, The third one is easy, The fourth one's a honey.
The fifth is delightful, The six ones a breeze. You find you can live With a houseful, with ease.
So how 'bout another ? Would you really dare ? They're really quite easy But , Oh lord, the Hair !
With dogs on the sofa, And dogs on the bed, And crates in the kitchen, It's no bother, you said.
They're really no trouble, Their manners are great. What's just one more dog. And one more little crate ?
The sofa is hairy, The windows are crusty. The floor is all footprints, The furniture's dusty.
The housekeeping suffers, But what do you care ? Who minds a few nose prints And a little more hair ?
There's hardly a limit To the dogs you can add The thought of a cutback, Sure makes you feel bad.
Each one is so special, So useful, so funny, The food bill grows larger, You owe the vet money.
Your folks never visit, Few friends come to stay. Except other dog folks Who live the same way.
Your lawn has now died, And your shrubs are dead, too But your weekends are busy, You're off with your crew.
There's dog food and vitamins Training and shots. And entries and travel and Motels which costs lots.
Is it worth it you wonder ? Are you cought in a trap ? Then that favourite comes up And climbs in your lap.
His look says you're special And you know that you will Keep all the critters In spite of the bill.
Some just for showing, And some just to breed And some just for loving They all fill a need.
But winters are hassle, The dogs hate it, too, But they must have their walks Tho' they're numb & you're blue.
Late evening is awful, You scream and you shout At the dogs on the sofa, Who refuse to go out.
The dogs and the dog shows The travel, the thrills The work and the worry The pressure, the bills.
The whole thing seems worth it The dogs are your life. They're charming and funny And offset the strife.
Your lifestyle has changed. Things just won't be the same. Yes those dogs are addictive And so's the dog game !
Authur unknown
DOG SHOW PEOPLE:
*Are a special breed not usually recognized by the AKC *Think everyone has crates in their living room *Have a messy house, but their kennels are spotless *Can always find a show catalogue within arm's reach *Drive trucks, vans, station wagons especially equipped to haul dog crates *Can never be reached on a weekend. They're usually at a dog show *Will drive 400 miles, spend $100 on gas, $200 on a motel room, & $150 on meals to bring home a .25 cent ribbon *Have lush, green beautiful backyards & never bought a bag of fertilizer *Get up at 6am to walk the dogs, can be at ringside dressed to kill at 8am, but have trouble getting to work on time *Never miss a closing date for entry fees, but pay the mortgage ten days late *Use dog food bags for trash bags & 30-gallon trash cans for dog food *Talk for hours on the phone to another dog person in a language known only to dog people *Have parents who think they've lost their minds *Have neighbors who think they're strange *Have doggie friends who think they're terrific
Dog show Poem There was a time, there really was, When I was sweet and tender, When SHOW DOG meant a Disney Star, And Bitch was not a gender. I went to bed at half past ten, I went to church on Sunday. On Saturday I baked the beans, And did the wash on Monday. But then I got a certain pup, And an erstwhile friend said, "SHOW" And so I did, and so I do, OH! What I didn't know. I used to dress with flair and style, That was the life, don't knock it. But now each dress from bed to ball Must have a good bait pocket. I used to have a certain air, I wallowed in perfume, I used to smell of Nuit D'Amour, Now I smell like Mr. Groom. My furniture was haut decor, My pets a tank of guppies, Now I've furniture unstuffed, And well-adjusted puppies. Once I spoke in pristine prose, In dulcet tones and frail, But now I'm using language, That would turn a sailor pale I was taught to be well-groomed No matter where I went. Now all the grooming that I do Is in the handler's tent. I used to long for clothes and jewels, And a figure classed as super, Now the thing I yearn for most Is a nice new Pooper-Scooper. I adored a man who murmured verse Through intimate little dinners, But now the words I thrill to hear Are just three-"Best of Winners" I rise at dawn and pack the car The road ahead's a long one. The one I routed on the maps Invaribly's the wrong one. I really love this doggy life I wouldn't care to change it. But when I get that BEST IN SHOW I plan to rearrange it. And when my time on earth is done, I'll go without much nudging. Just give me three weeks closing date, And let me know who's judging.
Author unknown
The following breeds are now being considered for recognition by the AKC: *Collie + Lhasa Apso= Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport *Spitz + Chow Chow= Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot *Pointer + Setter= Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet *Great Pyrenees + Dachshund= Pyradachs, a puzzling breed *Pekingese + Lhasa Apso= Peekasso, an abstract dog *Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel= Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle *Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever= Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists *Newfoundland + Basset Hound= Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors *Terrier + Bulldog= Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes *Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly *Malamute + Pointer= Moot Point, owned by...oh well, it doesn't matter anyway *Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work *Deerhound + Terrier= Derriere, a dog that's true to the end *Bull Terrier + Shih Tzu= Bull Shih Tzu, a gregarious but unreliable breed
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are & will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, "and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam.
And Cat would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Dog was happy.
And the cat didn't give a damn one way or the other. ~unknown
Dog Show Terminology Translated:
Noted Judge .............................He put up our dog. Respected Judge .......................He put up our dog twice. Esteemed Judge ........................He puts up anything that crawls. Shown Sparingly ........................Only when we had it in the bag. Show Prospect ..........................He has 4 legs, 2 eyes, 2 ears, 1tail. Finished in 5 shows....................And 89 where he failed to win a ribbon. He has good points.....................But his head is shaped like a carrot. Won in heavy competition.........The others were revoltingly overweight. Multiple group winner.................At 2 puppy matches. Specialist Judge ......................Puts up anything that looks like his own breeding. Well Balanced .............................Straight as a stick in front and rear. Quiet gentle natured ...................After 4 valiums. Excels in type and style...............However, moves like a spider on speed. Personality Plus...........................Wakes up if you put liver up his nose. Large boned.................................Looks like a Clydesdale. Good bite ............................Missed the judge, got the Steward. Lovely head............................2 eyes, 2 ears, 1 mouth, 1 nose. Excels in movement ..............If he gets loose, put on running shoes! Handled brilliantly by..................Nobody else can get near him. Won in stiff competition.............Beat 4 puppies and a 9 year novice dog. At stud to "approved" bitches.......Those bitches whose owner's Checks are approved by our bank. Line bred from famous champions.....Ch Whoozitz appears twice in 6th generation. Good Obedience prospect...........Smart enough to come in from the rain But he's UGGGLEEE! Terrific brood bitch...........Her conformation is the pits, but she throws big litters. Loves children..........................For breakfast, lunch and dinner Wins another Best In Show........His second, under the same judge, our Uncle!
